Will you love me just the same?

new journal.
faceUP_andS1NG
add me, ill add you back.



i dont want this one anymore.

Opptimism.
is the goal of the week.

Suddenly I feel compeltly empty.
and it's tearing me apart.

"It's like walking through a door,
and discovering it's a window"



I want nothing more right now than to know who I am, and to figure myself out.

i'm nothing but a huge disappointment to everyone.

tomorrow,
and the next to sundays
without him.
shoot me.

it's killing me that i'm making you feel like this, that this is hurting you.

im a miserable wreck.
shoot me.

Today wasn't bad. went by kinda fast.
I finally got my petition sheet thingy, and got all my 100 spots signed within all four blocks
and had all 3 of my teacher evaluations done. so that was pretty sweet.
someone said a comment today at our lunch table to me and nick about it pointless for us to even run and saying it was dumb and pointless. She's lucky I didn't punch her in the face. I think I did a good job holding back though. She's my friend and everything, I don't want any more problem's but that was just crossing the line.
anyway's moving on, after school I went to the mall with danielle and jeremy.
we spent all of our money in a matter of basically in a hour. so that's pretty cool.
I got a pretty bright yellow shirt and bright blue shirt from AE, and a new pretty bra from H & M and a pretty shirt from H & M. andddd two shirts from old navy. hollerrr. it was pretty sweeet.
My birthday is in 5 hours. And I lost my excitement for it about 5 minutes ago.
Cause I started thinking, about how I'm growing up, and how i'm not ready too.
Everything's just happening to fast and I feel like i'm not going to get to accomplish anything I wanna do, or see the world, or become a writer or something. I feel like time is closing in on me and It's just getting to late.



hm. stop thinking alyssa. you need sleep.
goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.

school kills me.
I came home and went right to sleep for 3 and a half hours.
and i'm still tired. oh well.
were writing poems in english, and if ours is good enough, she's going to publish it.
and i'm really really excited about it and i'm determined to do good.
Jena also convinced me during english to run for school-wide treasurer because leah liebler and allison eagan are the only people running. and sean convinced me to go for it too.
so I think I just might, and I convinced danielle to run for something as well.
mm, death cab for cutie is coming to Itacha and i really wanna go, and i'm almost positive I can.
wow im tired. I think i might go to bed soon..

FRIDAY :
went to school, was a very good day.
thenn went birthday shopping for me with my mom.
and I got tons of new clothes that i love love love !
came home, ate burger king, went to scott's with everyone to hang and watch the SU game.
came home, got bitched at by my mom, then slept.



SATURDAY:
one beautiful fucking dayyy. it was so nice out.
I walked to burger king with danielle, visited rachel there.
came home, went back to danielle's, walked to the mall, shopped and stuff.
visted brittant, walked back to danielle's, went to her soccer game,
back to her house again,over to brittany's, watched the SU game with her,scott,dave,nick,nate and julia.
eventually zach and all his tully friends showed up, and jena at some point too.
um, everyone left by at least 12 except nick, stayed up till 2am talking with him, britt and jena.
I feel closer to nick now. We kinda bonded and talked about stuff.
Eventually jena britt and I all feel asleep.



TODAY:
woke up around 10, got ready and stuff.
went and picked up scott an danielle. The scott and I came back to my house.
We went up to the playground for a bit, then came back to my house for my family birthday party
that we happened to be like 10 minutes late for. I felt so loved and spoiled by my family.
I seriously got tons of stuff that I absolutly loved and I FINALLY got my green high-top converse that i've wanted for over a year now. anddd I got new make up and clothes and some more bandanas and stuff.
money, giftcards, the usual.I love my family, there so good to me. Once they finally left, Scott and I went back outside and went for a walk and eventually ended back up at the school playground.
Just being with him makes my days a million times better.I can't imagine having it any other way.
I've never been so happy with someone. Today was deffinetly just an amazing day. I can't stop smiling.





you're the song stuck in my head..

it's such a beautiful day.
the sun is shinning and it's not to cold and not to warm.
I want someone to play outside with me and just be happy with =)

it's so nice outside, it's the perfect weather for me.
I feel like seeing if danielle wants to go rollerblading at the park or running.
and get energy drinks at nichols.
it feels like today is a good day.
not that it ever stays that way, but hey, it could happen.



it's andrew's birthday and I feel like doing something for him.
because he isn't having a very good day. and he also hates his birthday.
I dunno though, i'll see how that goes.

im exhausted. but for my last time snowboarding for the rest of the season, it was amazing.
I drove up with danielle and micah, and we meet scott and taylor there. and it was funn fun fun.
The snow wasn't to bad at all, and I had some really amazing runs. I feel maybe four times the whole time I was there. I've improved alot and I was doing really good and im proud of myself.
Danielle and I we're being wicked goofy the whole time on the skii lift together.
And I was just being ggoofy when I went up with scott a few times, he has to think im crazy. im so weird sometimes. tehe. i like going up with him.
but yeahhh, it was goood. and I am happy.




SCHOOL IS DUMB.
that's all I have to say about that part of today.



so tired, so so sooo tireddd.
goodnight.

there's just days when I can see so much through the lens of a camera.
And I can get those Lost, wanna see the rest of the world feelings outta me.

if you could change your days,
arranging them in some sweet new sequence
Like any new arrangement's gonna make a difference
Cause it's the moment that you're living in and not the one that follows
That makes this mess,
you're cleaning in your head
Time still drags you forward
though you keep resisting
You know it's what you leave behind,
you'll soon start missing
And the people you once counted on now say it's all depending
On how you act and how you treat yourself
And that's not very well.




bright eyes, conor oberst, he makes so much sense, and knows so much about life.
it gets me thinking. hmm.

i miss you
and thats all im thinking and feeling right now

school was lame.
danielle's was good.
Dennys was amazing.
Nicks was hilarious.
im so tired.
i cant think straight.
but i love my friends,
and my life revolves around them.
i hate my parents,
and there alcoholism issue.
i hate hospitals,
and i hate seeing my grandpa in so much pain.
I don't like seeing him suffer.
he doesn't deserve it.
he's to good of a person.
I feel like a girl,
and am excited for prom.
Im scared to get my hair cut tomorrow.
but excited to dye it.
but i dont know if im dying it tomorrow or not.
but im deffinetly getting it cut.
i really hate alcohol.
i's really like to get high sometime soon though.
danny kinda asked me if i wanted to tomorrow, but I can't.
I can't wait to sleepover rachel's. i'm so happy about it.
i really should sleep. im exhausted.




goodnight
stupid stupid thoughts.

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW IM GOING TO CUT MY HAIR AND WHAT COLOR IM GUNNA DYE IT!


this is the length I want..




and I want these bangs...




ORRR







IM SO EXCITED! =D

heeh, im happy again. go figure.
Tonights one tree hill episode really got me thinking, though.
they had a school shooting,and it made me go "what if that ever happened at liverpool?"
what would i do? how would i react? what if I got shot or something?
what is after death? where do i go, is there nothing or is there something?
What if I die before I get to live my life to the fullest, do everything I've always wanted to do, live my dreams or have to many regrets?
it's crazy to think about all the possibilites.
I can't even imagine it all..